Ok, most of these are awfully hick, but they are still applicable to much of the state and they are amusing:
Rules for Entering Iowa
Applies to each person as they enter Iowa. Learn & remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & feed lots. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $200,000 corn/bean combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Malibu call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL Maid-Rites !! Maid-Rites were born and bred in Iowa .. and real Maid-Rites never met ground turkey!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. The "Hawkeyes", "Cyclones" and"Panthers" and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Iowa City, Ames, Des Moines, Cedar Falls, or abunch a' others. They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. Our state is home to "The Big Three, " so if you feel inclined to flip the bird to one of us in the state of Iowa, you'll get your happy, flabby eastern/California behind whipped by the best!
Always remember what Gen. Eisenhower once said:
"IOWA can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without IOWA."
